upsetting feelings

This issue with age difference has been going on for a few days now and I would like to talk to someone about it but I feel like no one will truly listen to me about it. I think this is the first time where I felt like I had no one to trust at all. Or at least no one who would bother to listen to me, I guess the people who would talk to me wouldn’t want to really talk about this anyway. I don’t like conflict at all it just makes me feel so empty inside and its something I would like to avoid at all costs. Recently I think this has been affecting my sleep and how well  I am concentrating in school. When I talked to people at school about it they just tell me to brush it off because thats how they deal with people who dont like their age diff relationships. But its different for me, I’m not in a relationship and its just about the topic not what people think of me. I just dont know I just dont want people to fight. Its not even fighting its just I feel like this is emptiness? when we had this talk I was just thinking of age difference for relationships in general. In that case I think its fine and people can like who they like. The age difference between 15 and 22 is 7 years. the person I like now is 7 years older then me as well. I guess its different because I’m older but I just…it makes these feelings feel wrong. I.. do I just, are these feelings bad? I, am I just feeling.. I dont know. I dont think anyone should date at 15. When you are 15 people go through too many things to think right… But I had friends in high school who like people in their 20s at the time… I felt that was too old but they are my friends. They never acted on those feelings and I never told them that it was wrong to feel that way but… I just dont know maybe Im being inconsiderate to everyone else. Is it the adults that should be put for shame for accepting my friends feelings? Its mutual right? shouldnt I be happy for them.. I should I have said something else I dont know. For one of my other friends who was talking about age difference… I feel like an apology would be empty since he isnt going to change.. when you  talked about how in politics people apologies  for having different opinions I just feel like as a friend we should have a heartfelt apology. And I dont know if you got this from how he was talking.. but he still feels the same way. I’m sure he wants to say sorry.. but its just he isnt sorry? thats how I feel about it. Also with everything about not getting into school to this. I feel like this isnt how we should be talking to him. I know Ai got really emotional about this and I feel she has every right to. To watch someone close to you go through what they.. are going through. From her point of view I understand. My friends are happy but they are different I guess. More then not I can see everything going wrong. I dont agree with 15 year olds dating 22 year olds but.. to my friends who are happily dating an older guy. should I have said something.. Her parents knew.. they weren’t living together. He looked nice.. but I was 17 how could I tell I guess. I dont know anything anymore. “Love doesnt have a number” thats what they keep telling me but… Its wrong for this right.. am I just to naive to see everything. I just feel guilty? I dont know why.. I agree with her that 15 year olds should not be dating. But this is affecting every party of me and I dont know what to do.. I have been trying not to show it but I dont think feeling sad all the time is good for me.


Just heads up this has nothing to do with romance. Well.. I guess I’ll talk about my resent crush, I don’t know if this is a crush or just admiration towards him. It feels like a crush but I don’t see me together with him at all. I also don’t think about him that often at all. Although we talk a lot and I send him emails about my drawings sometimes, I don’t know if this is really a full crush. Well its not effecting how I learn from him or my grades so I’ll just leave these feelings as they are.

Well on to more important matter I guess…Recently I have been having nightmares, because of that I haven’t been able to sleep well. A few days ago I had a dream that where I showed one of my best friends from grade school my drawings. She just looked at how I decorated the front of my sketchbook and started to take the tape off, saying that I need to study the Fibonacci theory more I was really upset. I don’t know why… but to make matters worse my other elementary school friends showed up. Since I went to a really nice private school most of my classmates are all now doctors and like.. just really successful people. When they saw my work they also started talking about how I’m not good enough and I should just quit now while I can do something else. At this point I just woke up feeling awful and I just didn’t want to go back to sleep. I ended up just staying up watching youtube till morning. Then today I had a dream about how no one wanted to be my friend. People at school, my high school friends, just everyone. I felt pretty bad about it and just stayed up too. I think there was more to the dream but at this point I don’t really remember anymore. All I remember was feeling really sad, this probably has something to do with the fact that I have been playing tera with rene recently. Its a sign to stop I think. School starts tomorrow so I’ll just make sure to draw lots everyday. I asked for a new sketchbook for my birthday.. I really do hope that they give me one soon cause I’m running out of room in this one. Really I’m not kidding when I say I just want a nice small sketchbook so I can draw people in cafes and on the bus.