upsetting feelings

This issue with age difference has been going on for a few days now and I would like to talk to someone about it but I feel like no one will truly listen to me about it. I think this is the first time where I felt like I had no one to trust at all. Or at least no one who would bother to listen to me, I guess the people who would talk to me wouldn’t want to really talk about this anyway. I don’t like conflict at all it just makes me feel so empty inside and its something I would like to avoid at all costs. Recently I think this has been affecting my sleep and how well  I am concentrating in school. When I talked to people at school about it they just tell me to brush it off because thats how they deal with people who dont like their age diff relationships. But its different for me, I’m not in a relationship and its just about the topic not what people think of me. I just dont know I just dont want people to fight. Its not even fighting its just I feel like this is emptiness? when we had this talk I was just thinking of age difference for relationships in general. In that case I think its fine and people can like who they like. The age difference between 15 and 22 is 7 years. the person I like now is 7 years older then me as well. I guess its different because I’m older but I just…it makes these feelings feel wrong. I.. do I just, are these feelings bad? I, am I just feeling.. I dont know. I dont think anyone should date at 15. When you are 15 people go through too many things to think right… But I had friends in high school who like people in their 20s at the time… I felt that was too old but they are my friends. They never acted on those feelings and I never told them that it was wrong to feel that way but… I just dont know maybe Im being inconsiderate to everyone else. Is it the adults that should be put for shame for accepting my friends feelings? Its mutual right? shouldnt I be happy for them.. I should I have said something else I dont know. For one of my other friends who was talking about age difference… I feel like an apology would be empty since he isnt going to change.. when you  talked about how in politics people apologies  for having different opinions I just feel like as a friend we should have a heartfelt apology. And I dont know if you got this from how he was talking.. but he still feels the same way. I’m sure he wants to say sorry.. but its just he isnt sorry? thats how I feel about it. Also with everything about not getting into school to this. I feel like this isnt how we should be talking to him. I know Ai got really emotional about this and I feel she has every right to. To watch someone close to you go through what they.. are going through. From her point of view I understand. My friends are happy but they are different I guess. More then not I can see everything going wrong. I dont agree with 15 year olds dating 22 year olds but.. to my friends who are happily dating an older guy. should I have said something.. Her parents knew.. they weren’t living together. He looked nice.. but I was 17 how could I tell I guess. I dont know anything anymore. “Love doesnt have a number” thats what they keep telling me but… Its wrong for this right.. am I just to naive to see everything. I just feel guilty? I dont know why.. I agree with her that 15 year olds should not be dating. But this is affecting every party of me and I dont know what to do.. I have been trying not to show it but I dont think feeling sad all the time is good for me.


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