my romantic fantasy

As embarrassingly as it is I have so many fantasy’s about the people I like. Most of the time when I lie someone I imagine what its like to be married or going out with that person. Most of these are through dreams and stuff though. So when I wake up and think about it… I don’t see any of that stuff working out or like.. they would never do that stuff.

God its so embarrassing… Just doing normal things like eating together and hugging… just hanging out and stuff. Although when I do have those thoughts it gives me a nice warm feeling, but also just a little bit of sadness. I don’t believe that going out with the people who I liked in the past would ever work out.

Ok um.. more of my weird romantic fantasy stuff… I.. just think about being loved by someone.. I think that’s mostly it… just like cooking together?? ¬†and.. talking together… just being with them?? um.. also as sad as it is more then a happy fantasy I have way more thoughts about how much stuff just wouldn’t really work out well… I dont know. I’m kinda pessimistic lol.

In terms of my current romantic status, I don’t have anyone that I like. I think there is a classmate who is cute, we only talk about school and drawing though. There was a tumblr post that I read earlier about how people think romantic love is the only type of love. Even if we are loved by our family and all our friends its just not as accepted as romantic love. uh… that sounds really weird.. I dont really know how else to say it.

At any rate it made me think about how there are so many people who like me. I have so many wonderful friends in our skype group and at school too, and as much flack I give my family I know they love me dearly as well. When I think about that, I feel much less alone. I am truly a lucky person who just keeps wanting more and more.

While I’m on this topic, I have also been feeling very jealous¬†over how many confession my friends have gotten.. over their whole life lol. I dont think its right for me to feel this way, jealousy is an awful feeling. I’m just feeling jealous over the fact people like them I guess. man I’m not a nice person :T

How I feel about how attractive I am… I think I’m okay, like a 5/10 kinda person. I think if I lost weight I would be prettier but food it just too yummy and I’m so horribly lazy I can’t even. My face is okay thats what lots of people tell me, but they then go on to say how I’m just kinda… um.. large. I do agree with them and I do want to be healthier. BUT FAST FOOD IS JUST TOO CHEAP! I need to start waking up earlier to make food really… I need to do more exercise really. but I hate it. sports suck.

My frustration

So last week I was taking the skytrain with my friend from school and all he talked about was how everyone is an asshole. Then he talked about how people are rude and he keeps saying Asians are like the worse race and such. He is normally like this and I just kind of brush him off. But that day was Wednesday and I had been drawing for almost 12 hours. I really wasn’t in any mood to humor him, at all and so I did something horrible and lashed out at him. Well.. I guess I didn’t really lash out… But I did speak my mind about the matter. I said that you shouldnt bunch people all together like that. I dont understand why he thinks everyone is out to get him. I also don’t believe it right to just call everyone a jerk when you dont know what they have gone through. When I said that he continued to go on and on about how he isnt wrong and just kept talking about how aboriginal people are going through so many bad things, how I should pity him and such. Thankfully my stop was next so I didnt have to listen to anymore of that stuff. But as I was walking home I started thinking of how poorly I handled the situation. In a way I guess he was right people can be jerks, but in the end he is just like them. He too is a person who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. But I said things that made no sense when I tried to rebuttal him and in the end I think I just made a fool of myself. I feel like I have also over all have less tolerance to people in general. None of my classmates have changed they are always like this but… I dont want to hear any of it. For some reason this girl is behind on every class ever.. how is it week 12 and you havent handed anything in at all.. isnt the school going to say anything about that? She blames it all of anxiety and stress.. but WHEN WE GET 3 WEEKS FOR THIS PROJECT I honestly dont know how you can be this behind. There is this other girl who like to show off her work too and thats all good and dandy but the problem is she doesnt want to get any type of criticism.

Also my parents arent helping at all, well mostly my mother. If I’m at home when she gets home she questions why I havent made dinner yet. Then about cleaning the kitchen and then about how lazy I am because I’m always on the computer. ITS ALMOST LIKE IM IN A 3D ANIMATION PROGRAM. Wow. I cant even fight with her if I use the same arguments that she uses on me she talks to my father about how the internet has made me an awful person. Although I dont think my parents are awful people and they are paying for my expensive school I wish they would let me work on what I need to work on. Its like staying at home is just taboo. In fact its really just my mother… as long as I dont have to talk to her I think I’ll be ok. To be honest I should talk to my mother about how I feel. Its healthy and she would listen if I would only talk to her. I’m just too stubborn and I think I’m just scared. I’m not smart like jenna and I wont be. I do know there are things I am good at. I wish my parents would praise me for that. But even if I do work on that stuff they don’t care.

I guess the people at this school… they are giving me way more stress then I thought they would. I.. really cant deal with people. I thought I could but with all of this, I’m starting to think not. Everyone has things they have to deal with, I have no right to get frustrated at them for expressing that. I just…I dont feel like people are taking advantage of me but I.. I dont know. I dont mind people expressing themselves. I think what makes me this most frustrated is how many excuses these people make. Just the lack of reflection they have. Maybe if you just looked back at how you act and what you say maybe you would be happier. Don’t take all your stress out on your children, don’t act like its not your fault, don’t run away from the people trying to help you. Maybe just spend a little more time caring about how you live your life.