Recently I have been thinking of how much I have changed since the start of high school. In grade 8 I didnt really talk to anyone. I had the front corner of the classrooms all to myself, and to me that was okay.
Of course the teachers hated it, and it wasn’t like I didn’t get along with my classmates. For most of my classes they made me move so that I would talk to people.
I really only had one friend in grade 8 and I think she was forcing herself to be with me. Although all I did was walk home with her and eat lunch with her, she did mention she stopped hanging with some of her other friends to hang out with me.
I am truly grateful for what she did back then, and after grade 8 she never really talked to me again. Although it was partly my fault since I never really looked for her and started a convo with her after grade 8. I think I was really annoying back then… a real weeb if you know what I mean lol.
I’m not sure when it happened but sometime in high school I wanted to be happier. Its not like I was really unhappy but I just didnt have many friends or like talk to people. I wanted to talk to more people and not cry as often as I did.
To be honest I didnt really notice how much I changed till everyone said I’m not a shy and quite person.
Since I lived my whole life with all the adults saying that to me, some part of me thinks they are lying to my face. Somethings that hasn’t changed about me, is my complete lack of confidence. I’m more vocal about it now but I think back then I just cried about it.
Now that high school is over I dont really talk to my friends anymore. Just any high school people. I think part of it has to do with now going to a small private institute and I don’t see any of them.
Even when they invite me out I don’t really go to most of them… They are all nice people just.. we don’t have much in common. In high school we talked about anime and manga quite a lot but after school everyone got lives and are a part of the real world now.
Kevin and Allen made one of these so I guess I’ll write one too. These are things I want to say to you guys but I don’t have enough courage to say. That’s kinda funny coming from me huh… I say whatever I want all the time… I guess it’s more like thank yous for putting up with everything I do.
Since I am the oldest of all my cousins as well as the first child born on both sides of my family I was spoiled rotten by everyone, then when my aunts had their own children I had to grow up quickly to be a good influence on them. I didn’t like that and so I think that’s why I’m so childish lol. None the less thank you everyone for putting up with me. I sound so cheesy omg… uh please don’t think about it too much.
Also on a side note, I dont think I’ll tell you guys who is who after everyone guesses. I put quite a bit of heart into this so its a little embarrassing. Some of them are obvious others not so much, cause I never talked about the topic with you.
A. In a way I am very jealous of you, you have a much stronger control over your emotions then I do and I feel you are over all a better person then I am. When I talk to the other about you we end up talking about all the people who looked at you romantically and I am quite jealous of that. Not really of the people who looked at you romantically but more how many people liked you in such a way. Sometimes I feel like I’m a better person then you and to me that really hurts. Why am I feeling such a horrible feeling like that about one of my dearest friends? I hate feeling that way, perhaps because we are more similar then I originally thought, and that’s what makes me so jealous of you. None the less you too have problems I am unable to relate to and I should be there to help you when ever you need me. I really do hate feeling jealous and I hope that one day I’ll be able to look back and see just how silly I am for feeling like this.
B. You don’t really talk to me about anything. I don’t know if its because you don’t trust me or you think I will judge you. You are working pretty hard in your architect thing I’m pretty sure you will get into third year no problem. You are always to go to person to ask for directions and you can fix things pretty easily. Out of all of us you volunteer the most, helping out the community is really nice. A part of me thinks that you compare yourself to others far too much. Its really effecting your mental state… at least from what I can see. Its better to focus on what you have done and what you can do instead of what others are doing. All of us are really worried about you, I hope that you know that, but the choices you make are yours alone. No matter how worried we are the only one who can decide what to do. If you need us we are here for you, but if you dont want to talk about it I will respect your decision as well. But honestly understand that all of us are pretty worried that you will die from stress.
C. You dont really like sharing feelings with us, I really wish you would open up to me a little more. Its not like the others in the fact that, I dont know about their problems and cant talk about it or they do have problems but choose to ignore them. I know you do have some issues but at this point and time you have already sorted them out. I feel at this moment the most problematic thing for you is how lost you feel about your future. I think its okay to feel confused about what you want to do.I feel you are more embarrassed about what you have done through out your life. Perhaps you think we will judge you on what you did? Maybe it has to do with me being a girl too. I also wonder if you think enjoyment is wrong. Do you think spending time with us is a detraction from succeeding on your path to the future? You only started talking to me recently so there are many things I dont know about you. I know you are really happy when all of us hang out together. So in makes me wonder exactly what happened when you were away.
D. Out of everyone in our call I talk to you the most. Yet when it comes to understanding peoples feelings I dont feel like I know more about you then the others. Honestly I think you want to keep it that way too. When it comes to people who want to support you I think there are many. But how many people you actually rely on…I don’t know if you really want to open up to anyone. I dont know why you dont just trust these people because I know they truly care about you. You look out for a lot of people, and because of that many people including me trust you. I understand that you are not happy with how you are now, and I think recently the things you are trying to run away from and the things that you just wish to ignore are starting to catch up to you. I guess this would be a good place to say good job for working so hard. You got to the place you have worked so hard to get to. I dont know if you want to prove something or to someone that you can reach your own goals.I would like to know if you are doing this for yourself or for others.
E. When it comes to talking about your emotions and problems… you do talk about them, but I feel, you tend to hold back. I believe that you trust me and it has nothing to do with being embarrassed about your problems. I do know you have a very good support system, but you tend to put others before yourself. Maybe its because we rely on you too much that you feel like you need to be strong for others. I wish with all my heart that you would rely on me more, but I have already betrayed your trust many times and I understand why you don’t. I know you said that there is no need to worry about you, and so I forget that you too have many things that worry you, that you too have things that are over your head. I think right now you are feeling a little bit lost as to where to go with the rest of your life. But I’m not worried about you because you are so level headed. I really hope that you will follow what you want and not what you feel pressured to do.
F. I’m pretty mean to you lol, you’re kind of a push over and sometime I think I really hurt your feelings. For that I’m really sorry. But regardless I think of you as a really good friend who I can bother at anytime. We have the most causal talks out of everyone. I know you worry about your future, but I think you worry far too much. I think out of everyone in our group you have changed the most. You speak your mind much more often and I think its a lot easier to talk to you then before. I no longer have any topics to talk to you about, I think you are on the path you want to be on. Everything is going pretty smoothly in your life and stuff. I think you should have more self confidence in yourself, You’re a great person to talk to and have many cool things to talk about. I think you are more girly then I am, like personality wise… well maybe girly isnt the right word. Princess..uh like?? You are the kind of person everyone should strive to become, but I’m just a selfish person inside and out.
G. I don’t talk to you as much as the others. We have similar taste in JRPGs and that’s cool. Although the games we like are popular its hard to find someone who even knows what kind of games I play. I dont sugar coat your words at all and when we talk I sometimes think you hate me or something. I know that it isn’t true because if you really did dislike me you would strait up not talk to me at all. Admittingly I’m still too scared to ask you a lot of questions. Whenever I want to ask everyone questions and your in the call, I become hesitant to ask anything. Unlike the other where annoying them is fine cause.. I annoy them enough to be fine. Also I feel like you would fight me for no reason and I’ll just lose lol. Recently I think I have come to understand you a little more. When you say mean remarks I think your just joking around…I.. guess you say that stuff to…close…friends? I dont really know but I think I understand you more then before.
H. I still dont know if we are friends. I guess you think of me as one but how you act and stuff, makes me doubt you. I know that you truly treasure your friends and all the mean things you say you dont really mean. Although to be honest I think you have gotten quite a bit kinder then before. Maybe you are just being more honest now because we dont talk to you as much. I am curious what has happened to you over the past year. If you just got some realization that you were being really mean to your friends or if some action led you to start thinking about how mean you are.
I. You are quite courageous and I admire you a lot. You are also naturally really cute I’m jealous of that too. We have similar taste in anime men with glasses ftw! I want to get to know you better but we hardly ever talk to me. You werent there for most of the tumblr questions I asked everyone and stuff. I dont think you have any problem talking to me, just there isnt much I know about you. You have been spending more time with us as of late, that has been quite surprising because I though you didn’t really like hanging out with us. I wonder what you are really like, you only really talk to one person in our group. I don’t know a lot of just normal things about you. Like your hobbies, how you and your family is like, stuff like that. I really do hope we can have more hearts to hearts in the future.
J. You always want some kinda praise and its weird. I think you should look more at the stuff you are good at rather then all the stuff you are bad at. I also think you should think a little more before talking, although honesty is good just saying whats on your mind can really hurt peoples feelings. Some people truly trust you, don’t betray the bonds you tried so hard to build up. Sometimes people might get on your nerves but its important to remember that your extremely annoying too. They have enough courtesy to stay with you, you too should have the tolerance to keep up with them. No one is a perfect person, even if you want to say something mean, just take a deep breath and think a little bit before you speak.
Haha this blog has been long awaited hasn’t it… At this point I could just post it but you guys keep asking about it so I’m just going to keep writing or something. I’ll probably post it at some random time… when everyone is playing games or something.
Another thing I wanted to talk about is our skype calls. Maybe its because we are meeting up a lot more often and that I haven’t been around at much due to school. But I feel like I’m bothering you guys a lot more… just by calling even though I have nothing to talk to you guys about, sometimes I just want to talk to all of you. Well.. I say talk but almost none of you do.