fish out of water

Today I cried. I tried so hard to change but in the end I guess I’m still the same as I was before.

Today was going good for the most part. I woke up late and so I didn’t have time to touch up on my homework. It was fine though cause my teacher said that I could use it for my final if I wanted to. To that I responded that I wanted to be an animator and he responded that I try harder then people that want to be modeler.

That was all good and dandy, he respected my efforts. After that starbucks had a buy one drink get the other one free thing. So my friend bought me a caramel frap, and that helped keep me awake for the rest of the class.

After that I ran into my friends who were also going to battle of the brushes and they invited me to eat dinner with them at the EXP bar. That was fun too, we just talked about school and life for till we had to start going to the event.

My day didn’t start getting worse till then. I can’t…I just don’t feel comfortable in a room full of people I dont know. I just stuck to close to all my friends, even though I this was ment to talk to industry people. I.. it wasnt bad til the end. Where all my friends knew that I went to this even to talk to some animators who were painting there.

I started to feel scared. I didnt want to talk to them anymore. Of course my friends know me as that person who has no problem talking to anyone and pushed me to go talk to them. I just.. I couldnt do it. They had to pull me there and I just… cried. What can I say. I have nothing to talk about. I dont want to waste their time.

The closer my friends brought me to the animators the less I could hold back my tears. I wasnt sad or anything, it was just me being scared out of my mind. I dont really understand why I was so scared. Even my teacher was trying to get me to talk to them. Saying I need to just do these things. I dont think I can talk to adults well. But in the end I did talk to the animators.

They saw me crying and I think they just thought it was anxiety. It didn’t really feel like anxiety though I was just scared out of my mind. They talked to me slowly and even gave me their facebook and tumblr telling me to ask them anything at anytime. It wasnt scary at all.

But this event has showed me, I haven’t changed at all. I may of fooled my friends and myself but I’ll always stay the same. Too cowardly to talk to adults, too scared to go out of my comfort zone. I don’t like these kind of events. Rooms filled with drinking adults in groups talking with friends. Everyone in groups they already have established. There is no room for me to talk about anything.

As I was crying… at first I felt scared, then disappointment, then self hatred. I never changed. Whatever made me think I did.

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