FRIENDSHIPS

Valentines day is right around the corner and due to my complaining, my friends at school have been asking if I want to be introduced to someone. I.. guess it would be nice, but at the same time, do I even want to deal with those feelings and stuff? I dont think so. School is should be taking over my life and I should be just using all my time on that. I would rather be working then trying to find some boy who will date me.

I dont know if I value friendship more then romance, to be honest I havent really put any effort into finding someone this whole time. A part of my still thinks love will find me, but we all know how well that goes. If you want something then its important to put in the effort to find it yourself.

In December I went through the one of the hardest moments of my life.

In the end I was the one who brought it all down. All the choices I made led to what had happened then. Theses are things I am unable to talk about right now. I dont know if I’ll ever tell, I think if I do I will end up hurting more. So please dont ask me about it.

Although what I will talk about some stuff I have been thinking about recently.

Why is it I am so instant on hearing other peoples feelings. At first I thought it was because I was just curious about other people and who they are and stuff and yes I am a very nosy person. But recently I have realized I am a even more so a lonely person, that scares me more then anything.

In the end,  am I just someone who isnt liked by anyone and just an annoyance. That’s what I fear the most right now, even more so then finding a job or getting a boyfriend. I just want to belong somewhere. I.. sound horribly clingy… mmm what I need in my life.

maybe thats why I like hearts to hearts, I get to feel how much people trust me. Sometimes I just think how replaceable I am. How easily I can be forgotten and how I’m not…good enough? or just a bad person. I have recently started thinking of how my actions effect me and the people around me.

So many times I look back and think about how insensitive I am. Although its important to put myself first, I dont want to hurt other people with my actions. I tend to just run my mouth and sometimes I say things that arent my place to say.

I think most people go through this stuff at this age, not knowing what to do with their life, looking for a place to belong. I was watching crash course with Julia on the weekend and it was talking about stages of life, its pretty interesting lol.

A part of me want to start writing a journal, just so I can look back and remember what I was doing at the age of 22 lol.  This like was talking about how to start doing a journal and it looks pretty fun! Although I admit I dont think I’ll ever really write one everyday.

How to Journal Everyday – Build a Hobonichi Habit

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