Kevin called me out for not meeting my quota of 1 blog per month lol I guess I should write about something huh.
Recently I have been feeling pretty normal, its kinda strange with all the things I have been thinking about.
I have started to feel unneeded. Just some waste of space. someone who can easily be replaced, just some generic person placed in some same old story.
Maybe unneeded is the wrong word to use at this point in time though.
My words have hurt people, I have hurt people wouldnt it be better if I was gone?
I have begun to think about how you should cut negative people out of your life and I think thats me for everyone.
At that time I really did feel it was better for me to slowly leave.
I… havent really been busy. Well I have been going to school more often now, but I…I could have talked to you guys more. I just didnt want to.
And for a while it was ok, I have friends from school I can hang out with. I spend quite a lot of time with juila, Animal crossing is a good time killer.
I ended up going back for a bit just to see what people are doing and everything is the same even without me.
I mean even with me in the calls I never have anything interesting to say anyway.
Even if I am gone everything is the same isnt it. I dont even play the games everyone plays anyway.
Although when I really look at the situation, I dont want to be forgotten. The fact that everything was fine even if I was gone for a while made me feel unnecessary.
In the end I just used this situation to judge my worth in this friendships.
Arent I awful.
I know that you guys care about me… or maybe you dont lol
I dont like that about myself, thinking that it would be better for all of you that I was gone. In reality its not my place to decide if I am worthy of being your friend.
Anyway I think I’m too scared to really ask you guys if we are really friends. Or I know you guys would say “Yeah, we’re friends!” but not really mean it.
I dont know if I dout you guys.. because I know we are friends… I dont know why I need that extra reassurance from you guys.
Now that I think about it with a clear head, this is dumb. I’m dumb, god.
Meh but whatever that stuff happened. I have had to deal with some stuff at school, just normal life things.
I need to remember that empathy is needed for everyone. Maybe that will help me this next 6 months.
I think I had other stuff that was stressing me out but I cant remember right now.
Kevin this is why you dont ask me to write a blog before you wake up at like… 1:40 am.
Just so we are clear when you guys read this in the morning I’m fine.
I have school to worry about so I thought if I was going to leave this call now would be a good time to do it, and you know if in 6 months I want to go back I would. Just a little selfish of me I know.
OH! thats right the other thing that was scaringme was how quickly time is passing. Soon I graduate, I need to find a job. Then there is just all the other events going on…
Its pretty scary, I just want to be a child forever.