self pity

For some reason I felt it would be nice to read self improvement stuff. I mean its pretty interesting stuff, I’m glad I am reading this stuff really.

I tend to say whatever I think in that given moment and sometimes it really hurts people. I’m trying pretty hard to pick up on peoples emotions, but who knows how well that is going. Most of the time I have to ask people if they are okay or need to talk to someone, not many people come for me for help.

Anyway I wanted to talk about my flaws, I have so many haha.

But when I was reading self improvement stuff it talked about how self-pity.

“Certainly the most destructive vice if you like, that a person can have. More than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins – is self pity. Self pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive. It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred, and I think actually hatred’s a subset of self pity and not the other way around – ‘ It destroys everything around it, except itself ‘.

Self pity will destroy relationships, it’ll destroy anything that’s good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. And it’s so simple to imagine that one is hard done by, and that things are unfair, and that one is underappreciated, and that if only one had had a chance at this, only one had had a chance at that, things would have gone better, you would be happier if only this, that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true. But, to pity oneself as a result of them is to do oneself an enormous disservice.

I think it’s one of things we find unattractive about the american culture, a culture which I find mostly, extremely attractive, and I like americans and I love being in america. But, just occasionally there will be some example of the absolutely ravening self pity that they are capable of, and you see it in their talk shows. It’s an appalling spectacle, and it’s so self destructive. I almost once wanted to publish a self help book saying ‘How To Be Happy by Stephen Fry : Guaranteed success’. And people buy this huge book and it’s all blank pages, and the first page would just say – ‘ Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself – And you will be happy ‘. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings, and that’s what the book would be, and it would be true. And it sounds like ‘Oh that’s so simple’, because it’s not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself, it’s bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves, it’s what Genesis is all about.”
Stephen Fry

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I wrote this for june… for my 1 blog every month thing… well would you look at that I have 3 more blogs in my drafts folders haha.. maybe I’ll meet my quota yet.. I just finished counting how many blogs I had for this year and I think its 6… please dont count it, I could be wrong and I just cant count anymore. Anyway I can just talk about how my day is for the next 6 blogs. I mean I’ll prob be jobless for most of the year anyway right.

I think I wrote this blog to help with confidence. I.. think

really it has been forever… most of this blog is just copied and pasted from some self help website. Gosh.

scared

I’m really scared right now

I dont even know why

I have most of my demo reel done, everything else I need to do will only take a day at most.

but this whole over whelming fear is taking over me

I dont know what to do

or who to talk to

I cant stop crying and shaking

people are telling me to stop stressing but I cant help it

I just dont want to think anymore

1 more week of school

then I’ll never have to look back again

I wonder how many friends I’ll lose

I wonder if I’ll even get a job

they tell me the most important thing is to never give up, even so its hard not to give up when even your best isnt good enough

honestly I dont know who I’m freaking out… I’m in a much better place then some of the others

if this keeps up though…. I’m going to run away from everything.

in fact today.. I didnt go to school till 5… normally I go at 11

I’m already starting to run away from everything.

ugh life is gross

what hurts the most

Hey look its a blog post lol, I haven’t written one in ages.. there goes my one a month haha

Recently I have had a hard time sleeping, I think its just stress about demo reel and work and such. So I figure the best way to spent this time would be to sit around and write a blog to just think about stuff.

One my feeling have been pretty good. The one I feel the most is annoyance for that guy, I know that people tell me to ignore him cause what is one person to whats important right?

well that one person, he is very honest, perhaps to a fault. Something I do know is that he works really hard. I dont like how he looks down on my friends and what annoys me the most is how powerless I am to go against him.

He is better then me. The teacher have even taken note of it.

Maybe I’m just hiding behind the fact that he is being mean to my friends and i just cant stand that I cant do anything to go against him.

Something else I have found what people really thing about others.

In this school there are people who have gone though  a lot of hardships in life. They read people and understand more then I ever could. Things I could never understand. Somethings that I do and people brush off, but when others do it its not ok.

When I was talking about a few friends of mine about the difference between confidence and being an asshole, I really dont know the difference.

I just thought being an asshole was someone who is too confident. They told me it really wasnt the case.

people who interrupt without care, someone who only talks about themselves without care, being a person who begs for food when we dont offer them any.

All of these things that people dont like, I felt I did these things often as well.

Whenever I bring it up they just brush it off like “oh its fine when you do it cause such and such you are different”

Now I think they are saying that cause they think of me as a friend and with friends you just have much more tolerance.

But it just makes me think, if I wasnt their friend how much would they hate me

I’m someone who doesnt really think before I speak and I just love to talk verbal diarrhea. Maybe I really am hurting someone, maybe I really am annoying people.

This is just something I should learn from, I’m only human and I will make mistakes like this.

What is the most impotent thing is to learn from the mistakes I do, its important for me to learn more. I need to understand more as well.

sometimes when I ask to understand someone, I’ll tell you guys about it too. Now my thinking possess is to share what I have learnt to others. But I understand now that it is more a invasive act of someones privacy.

I also found that the I have stopped really getting any advice from your guys . But that might be from me not sharing as much.

A show called Steven universe had an episode about facing what hurts you the most. I watched it cause all the creates talked about how important it was to them.

What you do to people can hurt them, what people say can hurt you. What you must do is face the problem and not run away.accepting that it hurts it the first step to growing.

It was mostly what the episode was talking about, if you havent watched the show before that one isnt the one you should start with lol.

One of my classmates watched it and said it was exactly what she needed.

I think is is partly my fault she needed it. All of you know me, always sticking my nose in  other peoples business.

I go see all the animation teachers to get help on animation, and I have been inviting her all term to get her work looked at and so she finely came with me a few weeks ago.

The teacher had nothing nice to say about her work. I honestly didn’t know she was so far behind.

She held a strong face but I knew it hurt her quite a lot. I dont know what else to do.

what is the right course of action? Let her go on her way without getting an animation teacher to look at it? have someone honestly tell her about her work?

I still dont know what I should do.

Before I always believed that being honest and true was the way I should go though life.

But now I just done know… I feel like I need to lie more then before.

I feel like be telling the truths I just get punished in the end. I get hurt and so do the others.

should I just start lying and keep quite? maybe smiling and nodding is the best course of action from now on.

I dont know what to do, but the only one who has the answer is me.

Oh on a slightly brighter note, I figured out something about some people by using what they told me.

I felt like such a detective lol. Something they didnt tell me something I figured out all by myself. I wish I could do that more often, just getting people from the things the tell me.

I guess its easier when everyone is in the same friend group though.

Something I want to learn by the end of the year is how to read people. By how they speak and act, I am still not that good at it. Its about making assumptions and being confident about them. I’m good at neither of those things though lol.

I should just go out and talk to more people… maybe that will start enlarging my world to the problems they face.

my own inexperience frustrates me